Too Nice?

topic posted Thu, January 11, 2007 - 9:18 AM by  Sabeya
Have any of you ever felt were taken advantage of because you were too nice?

I know I certainly have.
posted by:
Sabeya
Vancouver
  • Re: Too Nice?

    Thu, January 11, 2007 - 10:15 AM
    Sometimes but I have been trying to be more aware of this when it happens and try to avoid it. However, I refuse to be less nice just because there are some people who will take advantage. I prefer to take the higher ground and continue to be as nice, kind and generous as I can be without getting walked all over - keeping Karma in mind and knowing that it will all come back around some day.

    Some who read this will think "nice? her?" but they are probably among those who have tried to take advantage but were met with opposition ;-)

    Seriously though. It is necessary to protect oneself from those who will take advantage of kind, thoughtful, giving people. Simply try to be aware and don't over react by becoming less of a nice person. Remember Karma and protect your own spirit.

    I think (imho) that all nice people eventually start to feel this way... taken advantage of. Get those users out of your life or at least be aware of who they are. Let the Universe take care of them for you. AND keep on being nice!
    • Re: Too Nice?

      Thu, January 11, 2007 - 11:54 AM
      Gailene, you are right.

      I am not by any means changing who I am, but certainly I am way more aware of the "users and abusers" than I used to be. I am a firm believer that we reap what we sow, so eventually those who have meant harm will reap from their own seed.
      • Re: Too Nice?

        Thu, January 11, 2007 - 12:33 PM
        And, even more importantly, you will reep the rewards that go with living a life of kindness, generosity and love for those whose lives you touch. Consideration and thoughtfulness are becoming so rare among strangers that it makes me sad. I still say thank you everytime someone hold a door for me, or lets me go first or says "she was ahead of me" in a line up. I hope to live long enough to see politness and common courtesy return to the forefront of normal social behaviour.

        ARGH! Don't get me started... this is one of those push button subjects for me ;-) heehee, I just deleted a little rant that got out before I could stop it.

        I'm glad that you have chosen to continue as a nice person. Good choice :-)
    • Re: Too Nice? reflected from my experiences

      Fri, January 12, 2007 - 12:23 PM
      Working in a Convalescent hospital doing physical therapy I noticed that the *nice* patients got prompt caring help from the CNAs - ie like getting to the bathroom when you needed help. So I would mumble a prayer in the halls -"god, let me be nice, please let me be nice....." for my old age, One day a patient asked what I was saying & I told her. She answered a "You Are Nice!" Aaahhhh I was so glad to hear that! I've been saved from pissing in my wheel chair~~~~

      Then I had a [very young] boyfriend that introduced all his friends to me as being "...so very nice..." & I was curious what he meant but it seemed they were just all nice - meaning they didn't create waves, their opinions were all the same [outwardly] etc If you were otherwise you were not nice, or you were nice but they [the friends] outed you bcz someone had labeld you as "not nice to their life" ie 'the break up' or 'dramas' (another big generic word) were going on for you
      Ssoooo today I finally looked it up & it seems large like uuhhhh love or sumpin'-

      American Collegiate Dictionary:
      1, pleasing & agreeable in nature [not neccesarily 'by' nature]
      2, having a pleasant or attractive appearance
      3, courteous & polite; considerate
      4, of good character & reputation; respectable
      5, characterized by sometimes excessive delicacy or fastidiousness; fussy
      6, showing or marked by great precisioon & sensitive discernment; subtle
      7, executed with delicacy, accuracy & skill
      8, used as an intensive with 'and'
      9, [obs] a. wanton b.affected modesty

      I didn't realize that such a lil word had so much innards; kinda like Love hunh?

      I feel that we only dislike our being nice when we feel it has been betrayed & not appreciated; right?
      & con artists are always 'nice' with a big N. Or anyone that has met a group, & maybe wants to futher their desires also known as 'their agenda', are initially nice.
      The betrayal(s) that hurt our niceness are often when those agendas are not truthful but the *hidden* agenda(s) which by being hidden & can change with the tide. Or more riptide; the undercurrent of an agenda>>>>>>>>>
      No matter how ^nice^ we were sincerely being the stronger nice person wins then; even if they are not really nice or I guess are more a 9, a &/or b & other nice people wanting to continue in the grouping will be rushed out like lil fishies & crabs leaving some one high & dry & alone with others on the shore gasping ..."....but I was so nice...."

      Then there is the sentence "....she was really nice whatever happened to her....?" & it hurts when other peoples that we thought were nice were not nice to us & we can't fugure out why.... & they are not nice enough to tell us why they behaved that way hence leaving it to suspicions.... so we can only rely upon introspective of our behaviour for flaws & considerations...... & nice people seem to forget they were not nice to someone when they happen to meet up & wonder why we are behaving less thean nice..... or must impress others that maybe we were not so nice so they look nicer

      I have said for many years that nice is a 4 letter word.
      Now, nice honesty is a treasure ~~~~~~ & may be what some expect when joing a group of their own free will. But I think it seems too common that most settle for jus' plain ol nice without truth or commitment to their word.
      But then that's problematic ;;~{
      cz they can just change their minds & their words________
      • Re: Too Nice? reflected from my experiences

        Fri, January 12, 2007 - 2:03 PM
        There is a big... BIG... difference between being a nice person and being 'charming'. Politicians are often described as charming... my favourite example of the word. Charming people are capable of 'casting a spell' over unsuspecting dupes, sucking them into a vortex of lies and deceipt... ie: politicians, conmen, etc. They smile convincingly, flatter, invade personal space and know all the 'right' things to say do. I am very good at picking these charmers out of a crowd and, guess what, they know it. It has often happened that I've met someone for the first time and they've tried 'charming' me. My walls go up so fast that the charmer will actually step back from me. It gets rid of them fast and I can then keep an eye on them from a distance to ensure nobody I love (the truly nice people) gets sucked in.

        Nice people are the ones who get taken in by the charmers. Main reason... they are nice, good, kind, generous people who believe in giving everyone the benefit of the doubt. Unfortunately, a genuinely nice person is often a sitting duck for the charmers. I know I once was. But after living with a 'charmer' for 3 1/2 years (and nearly marrying him... phew) I discovered how to spot them a mile away. They always have a hard time maintaining the facade at home... it's tiring work being a total phony, faking it through your day. It took many years to hone this 'skill' or what some would refer to as developing my sixth sense. It's absolutely necessary if you want to be nice to everyone else. Actually, I like turning the tables on charmers by being overly nice to them... almost a cartoon reflection of themselves. Then, I show them what truly nice people do... I tell them how pleased I was to meet them and secretly hope I never see them again. Mental note to self :-) "avoid this person" at all future social gatherings and always say "sorry, no" when they ask for my time or anything else.
        • Re: Too Nice? reflected from my experiences

          Fri, January 12, 2007 - 2:46 PM
          "They smile convincingly, flatter, invade personal space and know all the 'right' things to say do. I am very good at picking these charmers out of a crowd and, guess what, they know it."

          Oh, wow, Gail. It's like you got into my brain on that one. But, and I know this is sooooo wrong, I get so irritated by charmers. I know I should just blow them off and not worry about them. But it really gets under my skin when I see a charmer kiss the behinds of everyone they consider important to get what they want. It especially sucks when people fall for the charmer's act, which most people do. Because, let's face it, who doesn't like to be flattered and told how great they are? Charmers are fantastic at that.

          "They always have a hard time maintaining the facade at home... it's tiring work being a total phony, faking it through your day."
          And this is why charmers have very few real, close, actual , in-person friends.
          The best thing a nice person can do with a charmer is stay away. Let the rest of the world be duped, man.
          • Re: Too Nice? reflected from my experiences

            Fri, January 12, 2007 - 7:03 PM
            I must say, when I've overcome my gut feeling of "this person is *too* nice/friendly", it almost always has come back to bite me in the ass later.

            I've sworn off compulsive liars and attention-whores. Now I just need to keep a sharp eye, so I don't accidentally pick up any new ones.
  • Re: Too Nice?

    Thu, January 11, 2007 - 11:30 AM
    I have, but not in the last few years. Being nice is not the same as being a door mat and letting people walk all over you. :)
    You have to set boundaries and limits with people.
    And if people are really only with you because you're nice and they are trying to take advantage of it, then it's time to find new people to spend time with.
    I agreen with Gail 100%, you can't stop being "nice", but know that what goes around comes around.
    • Re: Too Nice?

      Thu, January 11, 2007 - 1:04 PM
      If someone is behaving in an inappropriate way, helping them along ins't being nice. It's being an enabler. Not putting up with destructive behaviour is sometimes the nicest thing you can do for someone.
      • Re: Too Nice?

        Thu, January 11, 2007 - 1:11 PM
        I agree Inaras. If we let people know that their abuses are not going to be tolerated we can hope that they do something about it. Sadly, not everyone gets the message, even if they are 'knocked on the head' with it. People will do as they choose and we can only hope they learn to choose their behaviours more respectfully. We can all lead by example.
  • Unsu...
     

    Re: Too Nice?

    Thu, January 11, 2007 - 2:21 PM
    Um, yeah, totally. I stopped being too nice because it ended up making me feel bad about myself in the end.
  • Re: Too Nice?

    Thu, January 11, 2007 - 2:24 PM
    Sure... too nice. Too trusting. Too likely to take the high road.

    But, like others have said, not willing to change the type of person I am. Just working harder at developing radar that helps me spot the users, liars and jerks a little faster so I can duck as they go careeing by on their paths of destruction....
    • Re: Too Nice?

      Thu, January 11, 2007 - 3:00 PM
      Developing a "Radar" detector! Hey Mirah, I like that!!!
      • Re: Too Nice?

        Fri, January 12, 2007 - 8:02 AM
        As a direct result of being in belly dance I can honestly say I am much, much slower to trust people, which is very sad.
        I've been really burned just tryng to help people.
        At the same time- I'm developing the "psycho-twinkie radar".... that I SO admire in Artemis Mourat, Yasmin and others who've been in this field a long time.
        • Re: Too Nice?

          Fri, January 12, 2007 - 8:12 AM
          I completely agree. Samira. There have been times where I have been so accomodating, standing by while others treated people in the community and me obnoxiously. I said nothing to those who behaved badly, and as a result, I not only enabled their behavior, but sometimes defended them because they were my "friends". No longer.
          Interestingly, I am a naturally cautious person. I have found, for me at least, that sometimes this issue occurs after I have really let someone in. Boy, can THAT get sticky.
          Ick.
          • Re: Too Nice?

            Wed, January 17, 2007 - 10:13 PM
            I am not a very trusting person due to being to nice. I have a hard time with close relationships because I don't feel I can trust very many people. I have met many people over time that are after you for something. It seems that every time I have given them what they want I end up getting the short end of the stick. I still remember when I lent a high school friend my prom dress. She returned it without the slip and with torn sleeve and full of beer stains and dirt. I was crushed and she didn't even give me an apology much less offer to pay for the damage. I loved that dress and had not really wanted to lend it to her but she just kept asking until I couldn't say no. I did learn not to lend things to anyone unless you don't care if you get them back. It seems that more often than not this kind of thing happens when I am nice and help someone out. It is sad not to trust someone you know because you are wondering all the time what they want from you, but that has occurred so often that I have a hard time not being jaded. After a year of being taken advantage of I had finally had it and yelled at the person and she turned around and said I was acting like a child. We haven't spoken since and I don't miss her or feel bad about it. I wish I would have said something right away so this wouldn't have built up to this level but it is very hard for me to do that. If they do I am surprised, but if they don't I let it go. Sadly every once in awhile someone dives under my radar. Maybe someday I will learn!
        • Re: Too Nice?

          Thu, January 18, 2007 - 2:52 PM
          "psycho-twinkie radar" {{(((*~*)))}}
          love it Samira!!!!
          It is sad to think that dancing of any sort would cz a lesson in hurt. & cz some dancers to hiatus or become cooler in their enthusiam. In dance, while dancing, you so need to be able to trust who you are in choreogrphy with but if you are doubtig their other intentions it can limit the art ability.
          A lot of mistrust could be assuaged with a considerated "ooops I'm sorry" & recognition of faux pas instead of taking attitude as the final say. & the attitude that someone that voices complaint or disagreement is then Not good somehow ie whiner, complainer or worse. When someone yells OW someone is likely pinching them>>>>>
          Somehow too often offenders are ok'd by the crowd & defenders labeled with negatives *~* I've never understood that one.

          & users are so genorous with the *thank yous* while they want something; & So forgetful of the givens when they have moved on to another needed squab--->>>
          • Re: Too Nice?

            Thu, January 18, 2007 - 2:59 PM
            "users are so genorous with the *thank yous* while they want something; & So forgetful of the givens when they have moved on to another needed squab-"

            so true, so true, so true.... they also compliment and praise you a lot (a way to butter you up to get their way). Yes, it is sad.
            • Re: Too Nice?

              Thu, January 18, 2007 - 3:04 PM
              Heh..yeah, isn't that the truth? Excessive sucking up...even though you don't know why...until they need something/someone else more. They fool people into thinking they're soo nice and notice what other people do...when really, they're only noticing what other people do for them. *sigh*
              • Re: Too Nice?

                Sat, January 20, 2007 - 12:15 PM
                ""....when really, they're only noticing what other people do for them.""
                & do for them at the time frame of their current needs or desires.
                Puts the phrase Be Here Now into a different paradigm, hunh?

                I once took lessons from a new teacher with a new studio that I was very excited about her expertise, larger reference frame & being in on the beginning. For a long time I was 1 of few students, sometimes the Only one at classes in the unheated warehouse studio. I was always there to perform as a side kick second banana even in the rain once, bcz I believed in _______, & *the ^future^* of ________ & our new group to be. There were others too that were there for her at the beginning but as she gained confidence in teaching & found young pretty good dancers similiar to herself us supporters of 2 years were expendable. Not that she let us go ie fired. No no. We were just made uncomfortable, treated with a less honesty, less respect. So if you wanted to keep yr own self respect you had to make the decision to leave. (we were older or not as pretty or well a certain mold. & there has been different molds desired, whether concious or not, in different groups. This particular teacher did say to me when I offered to no longer dance with the new group- " oh No We want you; we just don't know what to do with you being yr differences~~~)

                Hhhmmm Writing that I guess that self respect is kinda the motivating factor for leaving
                when you don't totally want to~~~~~
                Or someone suggests to you that leaving would maintain a decorum of respect or sanity or ____uuuhhhh____
                hhhmmm - make it easier for others

                + being expendable in spite of yYr contributions~~~~~~ always hurts.

                Thinking about these postings & others similiar in the past here I found an old girl rock song
                running through my mind:
                ""It's my party & I'll cry if I want to , cry if I want to,
                You'd cry too if it happened to you...........""
                for all those that might be inclined to judge harshly hurt people that voice their hurt.
      • Re: Too Nice?

        Mon, January 15, 2007 - 8:26 AM
        "Bull shit" meter works, too. I have one sister and a mother who are "interesting" that way (personality disorders is a mild term) - for survival, I had to develop a huuuuge BS meter real fast. But boy has it helped! I can say that my close friends are ones that when we're in our 90's, we'll still be hangin together. You just take care of those friends - their PRICELESS. ;-)
        • Re: Too Nice?

          Mon, January 15, 2007 - 2:53 PM
          It's amazing the intricate & differentsocial skills we all develope. Even if we think we have accurate meters in our heads they may not be 'on', or they may get an over ride by a desire to participate, or be wanted, or admired etc etc.

          This conversation so brings back to my mind the image of a teacher I had that gave me such a smile when I entered the class 'bout the 3d lesson - sort of conspiratorial but warmly inviting, with a just for you - glad yr here wink. I was quite suspicious; why uhhh who me?? Is there some one behind me you are actually winking at??? Cz I have been holding back kinda watching where things will go.....
          But a couple more classes & a couple of emails & a couple of enticements to stay after & talk about -- well stuff -- & I crossed that event horizon & no longer realized I got sucked into the put out more & extra & contribute & it will all be wonderful & I'll be appreciated for being so nice; I got lots of emails from others involved telling me how my contributions were "exciting, appreciated, wonderful someone was doing so much of this kind of work, really the best" etc etc. But a couple of no's from me & something someone was irritated about that I din't know they were & others wanting to I guess do what I was doing or maybe just being swayed by irritated ones - who knows ??? I don't.

          But my nice wasn't as welcome or as good enough as I thought or was led to believe.
          I was falsely flayed publically & chose to run away & hide to lick my wounds. It is a shame that often, too often our bs meters are developed through scar tissue. But also that offensiveness can be gotten away with by sweet words, accepted by the mass.
          I think, I don't know, that when someone is asking about "being too nice", we are trying to squeak out some pain, ask if our paradigm is way off, are there others out there that have been hurt by unfriendly or disrespectful actions??
          Or am I just a crazy bad girl????
          It's easy for some to say "oh just get over it_____" "move on" etc I guess but sometimes it's not. Sometimes some help is needed tounderstand the paradigm of the whole if we fit, do we want to fit, change or just pretend the empress is wearing clothes & my prince rides a white horse
  • Re: Too Nice?

    Fri, January 12, 2007 - 10:58 AM
    Like others have said, I have definately been taken advantage of in the past- and probably will be in the future. I am trying to hone my "radar" to try to discern who is genuine, but I will not allow the users/abusers/liars/etc to change who I am. I tend to believe in people, to trust people, and to think the best of them. However, once my trust/faith in someone is broken, it's very difficult to re-establish. I am also the mommy of a 3 year old, and I don't want him to be negative or mistrustful of people, but I also don't want him to be taken advantage of. It's a very delicate balance- one that I'm finding difficult to "teach."
  • Re: Too Nice?

    Fri, January 12, 2007 - 7:30 PM
    yes.....it happens....but nice does not mean doormat which is something i have learned over time the hard way. you can be nice and stand up for yourself and tell people "no" its just about developing a better sense of self, that is what helped me anyway!

    being nice certanly beats the alternative!

    *hugs*
    • Re: Too Nice?

      Sat, January 27, 2007 - 7:09 AM
      I think it's a learn art to say what you really feel when the situation presses for it. I agree with Nari I don't give the charmers a piece of my time. But they are different from the "nice" people. Nice people care about their manners while charmers are fake they think only of obtaining results. I consider myself nice but when the need comes for me to speak up I will not hesitate.
      • Re: Too Nice?

        Sat, January 27, 2007 - 3:27 PM
        I completely agree that it is very important to "speak up" when there is need. But I think it is also a learned ethic. Speaking up requires risk; risk that most do not want. I once had a co-worker defend me by saying "G may not always be nice but you always know where you stand with her; she doesn't lie."
        I think it was a complement *~*

        Unfortunately too often people don't speak up but choose to keep quiet or ignore rudeness, meanness, injustice etc even down right lying, to keep their position in the group; even when faced with obvious injury. & this is especially true when there are disjustices being done to others. How many times have we heard "...welll ___ has'nt done anything to me...." And the show must go on...........................

        & certainly I am guilty of knowing about bad being done (hurtful comments, even lies) but assuming ^so n so^ won't do it to me because I need to keep my position not bcz the *charmer* needs me; though I may have only convinced myself they do need me. & they have convinced me that 'I am different ... of course.... & we're friends..... & I am so valuable' etc So I buy it & I don't speak up either to the person in question, well maybe some feeble tries, or I don't speak up to the unknowing injuree bcz I want to 1, keep my position, 2, cover up & try to amend the breach, 3, it is not politically correct amongst the sisterly group(s), & 4, I certainly do not want to unneedfully hurt the unknowing person. Or is it needed to prevent further exploitatins..............

        Honestly it makes me feel 'not really so nice' after the fact in many various ways. It is all the more difficult when I know of so many others that are assuming the charmer is So Nice. & I would be considered the breach, the crazy, the not nice if I did speak up. & maybe they are really nice to others & it was something ugly I did that I just didn't know about. & 'they' are too nice to clearly & Honestly discuss the problem with me. Maybe.

        I think in my ponderings ~"`I Knew it was a snake when I took it home` - so what am I complaining about"? So I was too intent in my purposes to notice it was a double headed snake.
        Or I thought I was nice enough to not get bit; hard anyway.
        Does that make me a snake charmer while I am entertaining the snake?
        Am I really so nice if I accepted the deviousness of a charmer & voiced it in agreement with others about how nice this snake really is (though I knew better); or ignored it in conjunction with others for hopeful bounty within the group.
        Why was I "too nice" to others (theorhetically) & not nice enough to myself to recognize the charmers???????

        I know this is a lot of philosophical questions to be stretching but they Are questions I have pondered after my last overworked "^too nice^(s)"......... & since many of the group things I hoped for have happened anyway, albeit without me, is it just ok that the result is, though I am not a part of it?
        • Re: Too Nice?

          Wed, January 31, 2007 - 10:50 AM
          Hell Yeah, ladies!!! I agree with all y'all. I ended up breaking up with a bf a couple years ago primarily for his taking advantage of me being nice. You know too, guys in particular don't seem to understand until you "speak up"... And those damm "charmers"... I'm sorry, I might be too young to speak, but I've had my time with them too. There is a member's site here (Tita's maybe?) that has a list of what we shouldn't put up with. A big AMEN!! to that too -- that girl is smart. I'd say that was a compliment too Gi Gi -- and I let folks know where I stand too... one of my biggest faults, cuz you know I'm nice almost all the time... but I can be a bitch when I need to be to all dem stupid jerks!!! (sorry ladies, I got a little excited) :)
  • Re: Too Nice?

    Thu, February 15, 2007 - 11:36 AM
    Yes! I used to refer to myself as the human doormat. But now I've pretty much overcome that thanks to therepy haha. I'm still a nice person but now I'm not letting anyone step on me!
  • Re: Too Nice?

    Tue, February 20, 2007 - 1:55 PM
    Yes, alas, this is the situation I always end up in no matter how hard I try. I recently had some really high hopes that this would not happen again to me, and here I am back in the same place with the same situation that occurred before. I think maybe I just draw these people to myself and then I have to find a graceful way of severing contact, maybe I should only keep things on a professional level and try not to make friends in the bellydance community, which really sucks. I wish people just meant what they say, and say what they mean . . .
    • Re: Too Nice?

      Tue, February 20, 2007 - 2:34 PM
      " maybe I should only keep things on a professional level and try not to make friends in the bellydance community"

      I have wondered about that too... you are right, it really sucks.
      • Re: Too Nice?

        Tue, February 20, 2007 - 7:40 PM
        I have made some truly wonderful friends through Belly Dance. I think it is just a matter of choosing carefully. I try to keep an eye on the 'give and take' to make sure it is not one way.
        • Re: Too Nice?

          Wed, February 21, 2007 - 1:15 AM
          Just like in any other disparate "community" in which random humans have been brought together because they have one interest in common, don't imagine that everyone must be your friend. I sometimes hear people say things like "Oh, everyone's *so* nice!" Er...no, they're not! I think sometimes people let down their guard and their powers of discrimination fail them because it's all girly and sparkly.
          • Re: Too Nice?

            Wed, February 21, 2007 - 8:31 AM
            "it's all girly and sparkly"
            This reminds me of every "mean teenage girls" movie I've ever seen or heard of. It's always the 'pretty & popular' girls who were mean bullies. I'm not saying that is the case here but the thought does occur. Everyone needs to be careful when choosing friends anywhere they are. You wouldn't walk into a bar and decide that everybody drinking rum & cola is going to be your friend because you drink rum & cola too. In that bar, while all the rum & cola drinkers are all buddy pals while drinking together at the bar, they may find little in common away from the bar and without the rum & cola to bring them together may not otherwise even bother with each other. Same principle applies everywhere in every situation.

            Like I said previously... be descriminating when choosing friends.
            • Re: Too Nice?

              Sun, February 25, 2007 - 10:16 AM
              Gail what a clear analogy!
              Damn.... duhhh of course.

              But in all our defense, there is some childhood training to 'beware' the rum & coke drinking friends
              & we still sometimes fall prey, given a couple of free drinks & sly smiles;
              & the childhood training to make friends at school & the girls will be nice to us too.....
              & once you get 'picked' in the 1st or 2nd round for kick ball you think y'r on the team ~~~~~

              Maybe the nuevo bd rage is a new chapter for
              "Games My Mother Never Taught Me **~**
              • Re: Too Nice?

                Sun, February 25, 2007 - 5:45 PM
                Yup... I grew up in a house full of guys and my Mom never taught me about the 'mean girls' stuff. But I learned through 'trial by fire' because of my naivete. I was often the girl being teased and picked on. Then I got to high school where nobody knew me and in grade 9 I was suddenly a popular girl because I was nice to everyone (and the boys thought I was cute and worth chasing after)... even kids others shunned, I would embrace as friends. Almost everyone liked me in HS... I also became one of the 'cool kids' without realizing it.

                Funny, when picking teams I was always picked, but 'too cool' to play. I laugh when I think back on it ;-D