Were some bridges burned here?
The setting: A local ren faire, mother of dancer B has a booth, where dancer B has displayed some business cards for bellydance.
Dancer A shopping at said booth and notices Dancer B's cards, and introduces self (these two have met before, but Dancer A doesn't remember).
Dancer A: I teach bellydance through the local YMCA.
Dancer B: Oh cool, what style of bellydance do you teach?
Dancer A: I teach bellydance, in the style of *Famous Dancer*.
Dancer B: Neat, I do tribal style bellydance, and occasionally teach classes.
Dancer A: Oh well you know, tribal bellydance is ......(proceeds to explain, somewhat incorrectly, what tribal bellydance is).
Dancer B: (listening and then interrupts) I do in fact know what the style of dance is that I do.
Dancer A: (somewhat taken aback) Oh well, do you know *Famous Dancer*, because I have taken over a hundred workshop hours with *Famous Dancer* and I am a personal friend of hers. Oh, and did you hear *Another Famous Dancer* is coming nearby soon, you should take the workshop. I have taken her workshops everytime she comes to the States. (Contiues to name drop all the workshops she has taken.)
Dancer B (mentions a few of the workshops she has taken, but is not interested in name dropping, and conversation ends as Dancer B has to go off to dance with the other ren faire dancers).
Does it sound like Dancer A is threatened by Dancer B? Did Dancer B burn a bridge there?
Thanks!
The setting: A local ren faire, mother of dancer B has a booth, where dancer B has displayed some business cards for bellydance.
Dancer A shopping at said booth and notices Dancer B's cards, and introduces self (these two have met before, but Dancer A doesn't remember).
Dancer A: I teach bellydance through the local YMCA.
Dancer B: Oh cool, what style of bellydance do you teach?
Dancer A: I teach bellydance, in the style of *Famous Dancer*.
Dancer B: Neat, I do tribal style bellydance, and occasionally teach classes.
Dancer A: Oh well you know, tribal bellydance is ......(proceeds to explain, somewhat incorrectly, what tribal bellydance is).
Dancer B: (listening and then interrupts) I do in fact know what the style of dance is that I do.
Dancer A: (somewhat taken aback) Oh well, do you know *Famous Dancer*, because I have taken over a hundred workshop hours with *Famous Dancer* and I am a personal friend of hers. Oh, and did you hear *Another Famous Dancer* is coming nearby soon, you should take the workshop. I have taken her workshops everytime she comes to the States. (Contiues to name drop all the workshops she has taken.)
Dancer B (mentions a few of the workshops she has taken, but is not interested in name dropping, and conversation ends as Dancer B has to go off to dance with the other ren faire dancers).
Does it sound like Dancer A is threatened by Dancer B? Did Dancer B burn a bridge there?
Thanks!
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Vermont
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Re: burning bridges
Thu, February 28, 2008 - 6:25 AMIt may be my relative newness to the "business of bellydance" but it sounds as if Dancer A may have been the one in the wrong. Dancer B was keeping the conversation light and friendly until Dancer A decided to start schooling Dancer B on the style that Dancer B said she uses and *teaches* even. Excessive name dropping sometimes comes across as arrogant and one-upmanship and if it's considered burning bridges to try to avoid conversations like that, I personally am likely flame-throwing bridges.
Especially since Dancer B might have felt belittled.
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Re: burning bridges
Thu, February 28, 2008 - 7:11 AMI don’t think Dancer B should let this get under her skin too much. Yeah, Dancer A sounds like she may be a little insecure with all the name dropping and lecturing but that’s her issue, ya know. If Dancer B is feeling she may have been a bit abrupt or prickly/irritated/whatever in the conversation she could always drop a simple friendly email to Dancer A to the effect of “nice to meet you, thanks for stopping by, let me know of any interesting workshops/events/etc. you hear about and I’ll do the same for you” and leave it at that. A brief friendly follow-up email should smooth over any awkward feelings if they exist.
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Re: burning bridges
Thu, February 28, 2008 - 10:29 AMSometimes people have bad communication days. Besides, it sounds like dancer B is really into her own dance journey, and probably just wanted to make sure that dancer A was aware of it. ;)
Dancer A will need to take stock of dancer B's facial and body reaction, as well as her words and subsequent actions, to decide whether a bridge was burned. Maybe B was offended...maybe this is just how B interacts with other people. -
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Re: burning bridges
Thu, February 28, 2008 - 10:30 AMReverse A and B in the comment above...
*headsmack* -
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Re: burning bridges
Thu, February 28, 2008 - 10:45 AMI was at a hafla, getting dressed for a tribal fusion:
Dancer A: You do tribal?
me: Tribal fusion.
Dancer: I hate tribal. It's not dancing.
me: I'm sorry you feel that way.
Dancer: I ONLY dance Egyptian. Do you know my mom?
Me: whom is she?
Dancer: (insert name that a lot of dancers use)
Me; Which one?
Dancer: THE WORLD FAMOUS one.
Me: Which one?
Dancer :(insert full name of dancer)
Me: I'm sorry...I haven't. Will she be here tonight?
Dancer: Obviously you have not been dancing long. You a baby belly?
Me: 10 years BD, 20 years romani dance.
Dancer: And you have NEVER HEARD of my MOTHER?
Me: No.
Dancer: That's b/c you're tribal.
Me: I teach American Cabaret. (meanwhile I'm still doing my make up and she will not leave). But I'd love to meet your mother.
Dancer: Well, we're dancing tonight and I've been dancing all my life and my mom will be here.
Me: good luck!
Dancer goes out, slaughters, and I mean SLAUGHTERS a veil dance, stuck in hair, losing parts of her very amateur (i.e. very badly put together with huge gaps) costume, and then wrangles it for 10 minutes. I applaud and smile. Secretly, and I hate to admit this, I let loose a giggle. Bridge set on fire, but not burnt. I just chalk Dancer up to immaturity. Mom was really humble and gracious, though. No idea who she is, still.
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Re: burning bridges
Sun, March 2, 2008 - 7:28 PMI actually left my old troupe when my instructor/troupe director told us that she didn't like tattoos (I have 2) and considered tribal to be bellydance 101. Since I exclusively perform tribal fusion when I solo, I took her cue and left the troupe. Been ever so much happier with life ever since.
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Re: burning bridges
Thu, February 28, 2008 - 10:55 AM<I do in fact know what the style of dance is that I do. >
Well, I think four years ago I probably would have said something like the above in response to someone basically telling me my business. These days, I would see that Dancer A is trying to show how much she "knows" and needs to pull a bit of a power play, so I'd respond differently and let it go. It really depends on what exactly it was that she said about tribal style. But there is no dearth of dancers who *need* to let other dancers know what they know and WHO they know...and there's really no point in taking the bait.
A few years ago, when I was seeing this fabulous therapist and complaining about how many issues I was having with a particular person, the therapist asked me a very good question. She said, "Who is generally more self-aware and more mature, you or her?" I answered, "Me. This woman has no idea how awful she can be!" And the therapist said, "Then it's YOUR responsibility to take the high road. You cannot change this person; you can only change how you react. But only you can decide to be the better person and not play her game." This is some of the best advice I've ever gotten.
So while Dancer A started the game, Dancer B didn't need to play into it either...a smile and a nod can go a long way ( as well as a "Well it was great meeting you! I have to run off and get ready to perform!") -
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Re: burning bridges
Sun, March 2, 2008 - 6:00 PMThanks for the very even handed analysis, which basically summed up how Dancer B is feeling.
Dancer B doesn't have the contact info for Dancer, and I think by contacting to apologize might actually do more harm then good, possibly by making Dancer A feel she has been validated in being in the right when there was fault on both sides.
The weird thing......Dancer B is 26, Dancer A is upwards of 50. Oh yeah, and Dancer is a family, marriage and self-esteem counselor. I am vaguely alarmed by that. -
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Re: burning bridges
Mon, March 3, 2008 - 7:26 AMI don't see a need to apologize, just make a genuine attempt to connect the next time you run into each other.
Don't worry too much about her self-perception, or her perception of you. Either she's worrying enough for both of you, or she's forgotten your existence by now.
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Re: burning bridges
Thu, February 28, 2008 - 12:06 PMDancer A has issues but is not worth truly burning a bridge. You don't have to be nice to her, just polite, until she does something super-assy and more directed at you -
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Re: burning bridges
Sun, March 2, 2008 - 9:33 AMYou know, it sounds like Dancer A does have issues, but I'm wondering if I've ever sounded like Dancer A in the past :) There's a woman that I work with who bellydances in her spare time and as we're the only ones who do the 'danse du orientale' at our job, I've tried bonding with her on it, a couple times -
D A: Hey, did you see this (well known middle eastern band) that came to town last week?
D B: No, but you know what? I did go to a middle eastern movie on Thurs and watched a video with my dance teacher last night called ___ - Have _you_ seen that?
D A: Hey, I notice we're going to the same festival next weekend, are you taking any workshops?
D B: No, I'm just going to perform. But, did you know that the first week I returned to town, my old dance teacher asked me to rejoin her troupe?
My biggest fear is that she might see my attempts at connection as belittling, and I'm wondering how to make her realize I'm just having conversation, other than just saying it :) -
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Re: burning bridges
Sun, March 2, 2008 - 10:43 AMWell, I think it very much depends on how the rest of your conversations go, your tone, etc.
I feel like the people who are showing off just revert the conversation back to them whenever it's possible.
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Re: burning bridges
Thu, March 13, 2008 - 11:26 PMhonestly..
so what if you did burn a bridge? dancers like that want to use you as a doormat, they name drop and try to out do you at every corner, but are perfectly sweet to your face... its not worth the energy. -
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Re: burning bridges
Wed, March 19, 2008 - 8:28 PMname dropping ,one upping and catching others off-guard is just really unprofessional.
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Re: burning bridges
Thu, March 20, 2008 - 11:34 AMThere's a difference between burning a bridge and simply distancing yourself from someone and not working with them. Burning a bridge means you've effectively cut yourself off from not only them but their resources, their students, their colleagues, etc. If you simply refuse to play the game and let it go, you're not giving them any ammunition. I have learned (and try to keep in mind even now) that it's better to simply act civilly to those who have not treated me well and distance myself as much as possible rather than just chop the relationship off at the knees.
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Re: burning bridges
Fri, March 21, 2008 - 2:38 PMThis situation was the first time I have ever been caught off guard like that before, plus being nerved up about performing in a few minutes, so I definitely spoke without thinking when I made the comment about knowing what the style is that I do. Fortunately for me, this woman takes no part in the local bellydance community, but rather creates her own community of students, where all she does is teach. I don't think she encourages her students to perform or seek out other teachers, and some of her former students have said that once you get to a certain level, she actually discourages them and is threatened by them. Unfortunately for me, she has a TV show on the local public access channel teaching bellydance where she mentions that she is "doesn't mean to brag, but she is the only qualified bellydance instructor in the <town> area because of the 100's and 100's of workshop hours with professional dancers, and that's all there is to it."
I am not some one who really thinks well on my feet when I interact with other people (think nerdy engineering type), but if this type of situation ever comes up I am definitely more prepared to handle it. Nod, smile, and come up with a way to extract self from situation. -
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Re: burning bridges
Fri, March 21, 2008 - 2:38 PMwell, i guess the cat is out of the bag.....i'm dancer b
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